Feelings Adjusting to Reality

Zoe alert for deer Dear Family and Friends, Zoe is sleeping in. Nights are difficult, as I must keep rising to let her out. Last night I spent much of the time sitting up on the sofa, as on an airplane. Did not work, as she retired to the bed, and had an accident in her sleep. At midnight I changed sheets and threw out soiled pads. Thank you for your loving support and tenderness. You all understand well the nature of love and what one goes through as a beloved one dies. None of us is a stranger to such heart-wrenching events. In retrospect, Daddy’s death was made easier for us because we had a month with him at home, and he talked to us. Mama’s death came more suddenly with the little strokes, but she, too, ended well, given the circumstances. Rummy’s death was excruciating for me. Zoe’s is painful for obvious reasons. The acute shock and fear I felt on Tuesday has lessened, but residues abide. It does us—or at least me—much good to spend time walking the dogs outside now. The 3-mile run was probably too much for Zoe in this condition, but she wanted to do it—and then walk with us for 50 minutes in cool (30 F) and bright sun. We had a delightful time on the walk. Zoe gave me a scare when she walked on a snow bank overhanging a cliff, and proceeded to drop down to roll around. I called her back immediately, and she came; she could easily have rolled off and dropped down a 30-50 foot precipice. She has ever been one to press limits—perhaps not hers, but mine. She remains more adventuresome than Moses, but that will no doubt end soon, as she weakens. For example, when running yesterday, she took off on a long detour to cross fields in order to investigate some smells—perhaps dead animals, or droppings, or whatever, but that is Zoe. Her fierce independence would not be tolerated by some dog owners, but I have loved that trait in her, even as it has taxed my patience a few times. As you know, Moses is more readily obedient, although when meeting another dog (especially a female), he may not respond to my call immediately. I keep wondering how Moses and I will adjust to one another after Zoe dies. We have had little time one-on-one, whereas I had 2 years with Zoe before bringing Moses home. He respects me, and shows some fear of me, I would say—something that Zoe has never displayed. Even when she knew that a little spanking was coming, she would boldly walk up to me and “take it like a man,” so to speak. Out of her strong self-confidence, she is as fearless and yet non-aggressive as any creature I have known. Moses has some fears, and has at times “hidden behind his mother’s skirts,” to use that phrase some boys sprung on us on the shore at Beach Haven.  One parishioner who has spent time with us has repeatedly said that I favor Zoe, and no doubt it looks that way: she has always required much more attention, being more full of life and pushing the limits of everything possible. But I love Moses, too, and that bond will no doubt strengthen as we spend time one-on-one. He will ride in the rider’s seat as I drive, not in the back where I keep the two of them, because Moses would not think of entering my space as I drive, something Zoe had to learn slowly over years. If needed, I will let him stay in the sacristy during services, or even near me at the altar.  Other priests are known to do that with well-behaved dogs. In Zoe’s case, she would no doubt be nosing every purse or pocket for food—in her former days, that is. Enough for now. After the early Mass, we will walk in the park here in Belt, and just perhaps drive to Great Falls for a few items I need. There we can walk in the Expo Park, a favorite place for both dogs. Or if the Missouri is free of ice, I may take the dogs to Black Eagle Memorial Island, a place both of them have truly enjoyed over the years. I want to give Zoe the chance to enjoy again some of her favorite places, and for me to enjoy them with her, with Moses. as The day is probably swiftly coming when such walks will be impossible. So, “today, while the blossom still clings to the vine..”